[PODCAST] Why to make yourself more interesting?

Check out my friend Cory Carlson’s podcast:

Win at Home First
featuring … ME!

About the Podcast

Cory wrote a great book by the same title (Win at Home First), all about how you really can’t be fully successful in business if your personal life’s a mess. I couldn’t agree more! AND, business success doesn’t mean nearly as much if you don’t have someone to share it with: your cheerleader, your teammate, your love.

We cover everything from empathy to Enneagram; from dating to daily practices. He asks some really great questions, like, “What’s the one quality all leaders should have?” and “How the heck do couples thrive during this pandemic?”…and we find out we’re in such agreement on so many things.

Truly, the qualities and skills that make someone successful in one arena, when applied differently, can make someone successful in another.

I can’t wait to hear what you think! And what topics you want me to cover in Part 2!

Podcast table of contents

  • How self-awareness improves your relationship with others at work and at home (3:25)
  • An extremely difficult question that can dramatically improve your interactions with others (5:18)
  • How to pull off a date night with your spouse even when you’re short on time and money (20:30)
  • A simple but game-changing way to organize all your priorities so your entire family achieves their goals (17:39)
  • The surprising way dating can help you avoid divorce (26:01)
  • How to optimize your energy levels for maximum productivity (34:25)

Read Your Partner’s Mind + Other Relationship Super Powers

In some superhero movies, a specific event happens that gives the hero their powers. Peter Parker (Spiderman) is bitten by a spider and Bruce Banner (Hulk) is exposed to radiation.

If there could be a super-power for couples to gain from COVID-19, my vote would be for something to vanquish the harm done by mind reading.

Keep reading to see what I mean.

I can’t tell you the damage that four small, ordinary, boring words have done to my clients’ relationships. If I could change one thing, and only one, in Relationship-Land, it’d be this idea that real love includes the automatic super-power of mind reading.

“Julie, what are the four words??” Well, readers, I’m so glad you asked!

 

“You should have known…”

  • “You should have known I needed help bringing in the groceries,”
  • “You should have known I was ready to go home,”
  • “You should have known I was needed a break from the kids,”

The list of what partners “should have known” about each other is seemingly endless in some relationships. We seem to have bought into the fantasy that if someone really loves us, we won’t have to say or ask for what we want and need.

What’s even more damaging is the reverse of that, the belief that if they don’t automatically know what we want and need, then they don’t really love us.

One of my favorite things to tell my clients (though it may not be one of their favorites to hear) is this:

Don’t hold each other accountable for not meeting unvoiced expectations.

Let’s think about that for a minute. I’m saying don’t make it your partner’s responsibility to meet expectations, desires, wishes, or needs that you haven’t told them exist.

  • Don’t punish them for failing to do so.
  • Don’t make them guess how to please you; that’s setting them up to fail.
  • Don’t test their love like that.

This takes on extra significance now that we’re all quarantined, and normal life has been turned upside down and inside out. SO much of what we always “knew” to be true has changed, and so many new situations are coming up that we’ve never faced before.

 

You Should Have Known … COVID Edition

Let’s look at a couple of examples, one from before COVID-19, and one after.

A client I see was so hurt that his wife didn’t do anything special for their 30th anniversary…despite him telling her not to. See, he’d had a big surprise trip planned already, and didn’t want her to spend more money or do anything that’d get in the way of that, so he told her to keep it low-key.

She did, making dinner reservations and getting a sitter, finding a great card, and restocking his favorite cologne. His feelings were hurt that she’d taken it so lightly. He reasoned that what she did was all stuff she would’ve done for any anniversary.

What he’d really wanted was for her to go all-out anyway, as a way to show him how much she loved him, but by telling her not to, he’d set her up to fail.

His disappointment marred both their night out and trip, making him distant and sulky, and once again he didn’t tell her why. She was confused and hurt, and by the time he finally told her what was up, so frustrated she had a hard time caring.

 

Mixed Messages in Mind Reading

A lot of mind-reading involves mixed messages like that. People say one thing but really mean another, and expect their partners to know which message is the real one.

So, the next time you’re disappointed or upset by your partner not knowing what you wanted, take a step back and see if maybe you set them up to fail, making it impossible to do anything other than disappoint you.

 

Quarantine Mind Reading

Here’s another example, from this past month of social distancing, quarantine, and world-wide shut-downs:

A couple who each work outside the home are now both at home, as are most of us. Their usual routine is for one of them to get the children up and fed while the other sleeps in, then they hand the kids off.

Because one has a longer commute and an earlier start to the work-day, that made perfect sense. Now with them both at home, however, they didn’t talk about reworking the system, and the “early bird” parent started to get resentful about not getting a chance to sleep in.

They had a session with me after a couple weeks of frozen silence and snark commentary, and we quickly uncovered the unspoken message there. All it took was a candid conversation to rethink the daily routine and all was well.

But before we got there, the “early bird” parent said those dreaded words, “You should have known I’d want to sleep in, now that I can. How could you not ask? I thought you were just being selfish, that you didn’t care.”

More than ever in modern history, our social and relationship constructs are being completely shaken up and disrupted.

Nothing is as it was, and nothing can be taken for granted. It’s more important than ever before to be clear and overt about what we want and need, so let’s make open communication the super-power to come from this pandemic!

Between the Sheets: Breaking the Taboo Around Sex


The hardest thing for many of my clients to talk about is sex.

They dance around it, use “code words”, stammer, blush, and generally are so uncomfortable it’s tempting for me to just gloss over it and move on. But I don’t.

Because sex is such an integral part of any committed relationship, and maybe the most important aspect of a non-committed relationship, that it becomes the elephant in the room. Maybe we should start to check out the elephant, whaddya think?

Let’s get to know sex, in all its awkward glory.

When did pleasure become so taboo? I mean, I know when, but why? Well, I also know why, but why are we not doing more about that nonsense?

I’m on a mission to help people get more comfortable and more articulate talking about sex, to help them have more sexy fun, to feel better naked with their partner, and to feel better naked alone.

So, sex. Where to begin? Let’s start with a pretty common dilemma these days: keeping sex alive and interesting in a relationship.

This takes on added impact since COVID-19, when we’re probably with our partner 24-7. Some of us see sex as a great way to ease tension, reconnect with our partner, and manage anxiety. Some need to be relaxed, feel connected, and be anxiety-free to even think about sex.

You can imagine what happens when someone who uses sex to chill out and someone who needs to be chill to have sex are quarantined together during a pandemic! In fact, you might be living it, not just imagining it.

So how to think about this? How should we navigate it? How do we have a healthy sex life in the midst of a pandemic quarantine?

To quote the noted therapist Esther Perel:

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exists without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection.

But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is no thing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter.

There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a recondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex”

So, how can we keep erotic mystery alive in a time when the space between us is smaller and tighter than ever? How do we find the person we’re living right on top of, whose every breath and chew and move is happening just an arm’s length away, sexy and desirable? And how do we feel that way ourselves?

 

Intention, energy and boundaries.

Living right on top of each other, day in and day out, blurs all the usual boundaries we have in our lives. We’re not going to work any more, or the gym, and our children are home from school but not as free to roam as they are in the summers.

If we want to keep our relationship hot, we have to make more of an effort than ever before.

First, set your intention. Make a healthy satisfying sex life a priority, maybe for the first time in a long time. Talk with each other about what you each want and need right now to feel sexually connected, then make it a point to do those things.

If one of you needs time alone in order to want to be together, find ways to carve out space. If one needs more focused time together, talking and snuggling, then cuddle up.

Shining some light on how your lives have changed and what that means for sex right now, giving it intentional attention, can make a big difference in how you both feel.

It’s going to take more now to get and stay in the mood for love.

There’s more togetherness and more time, but probably less energy going toward your relationship. Try to amp that up. Put more focused energy into flirting, being playful, looking and smelling good.

Wear the silky thing, light a candle, trade massages, share a bath or shower. Good, connected sex may not come naturally right now, but it’s so important. Treat it like the priority it is, give it energy, and see if you don’t walk around with a spring in your step!

Paradoxically, as Esther Perel pointed out, closeness and togetherness require separation. You can’t have light without darkness; everything has its necessary opposite.

You each need to find some solitude and space in your quarantine-imposed togetherness, whether that’s taking a solo walk or run, or having your own room, office, yoga studio, she-shed or man cave.

Maybe it’s putting on headphones, your favorite music, and reading a book in the same room as your partner, but checked-out. Maybe it’s a hot bath and a glass of wine. Maybe it’s hours of yard work while your partner wrangles the kids.

However you need it, find time for solitude, to be alone with yourselves, so that coming back together feels like the gift it is.

How to Respect Your Partner’s Time in a Relationship

Imagine this scene:

You’re at the office, working on a project. It’s important, or complicated, or nearly overdue, or just plain interesting to you, so you’re giving it your full attention.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a co-worker walks in, sits down, and starts talking to you about something totally unrelated and, honestly, not interesting or important to you just then. How would you feel?

Or this scene:

Your boss comes to you and asks for a status update on all your projects…right that moment. No warning, no prep time, no thought to you being in the middle of something else, or needing time to get your thoughts together and your ducks lined up.

Nope, it’s an immediate demand for performance. What goes through your head?

Or this:

You’re on the phone telling a friend something cool, and you realize partway through that they’re not listening at all. What’s that like?

Know what all three of these scenarios have in common?

No one ‘knocked on the door’.

‘Knocking on the door’ means asking for someone’s permission, time, or attention before starting to talk.

Think of it like knocking on the door of a co-worker’s office, or even their cubicle wall, and asking “Hey, you got a minute?” before walking in and starting to talk. Or your boss asking for a meeting time to get an update on your projects. Or your friend telling you they’re distracted and need to call you back.

 

Requesting Someone’s Time

Requesting someone’s time and attention is a crucial and often overlooked boundary for relationships, and one that’s become even more important with COVID-19.

Now that we’re living in such close proximity, and work/home boundaries are non-existent for most of us, it’s important to create some invisible boundaries to help us keep our mental and relational well-being.

It can be tempting to think that your partner is 100% available when they’re home, and that they’re always ready and willing to talk about anything at any time.

I mean, they’re just sitting there, mindlessly flipping through at magazine, or washing dishes, or channel surfing. And if all you want to do is chit-chat, that’s probably just fine.

But what if you want to talk about something real…not necessarily bad or hard, but significant? Then, my friend, knock on the door. Say something like, “Hey, there’s something I want to run by you. Is this a good time?”

Or, “I’m going to need about 20 minutes of your time today to go over schedules and logistics. When’s good?” Each conversation will go so much better when you have the other person’s buy-in to even having it to begin with.

And there’s another, more subtle, but equally important form of door-knocking:

 

Asking permission to disagree.

Now, I expect this one may ruffle a few feathers, but just hear me out. Let’s say you feel pretty strongly about something, or you’ve got a plan together, or you’ve just had the best idea for something, and you’re passionately telling your partner about it.

You’re building your case, laying out your thoughts and ideas, and they’re listening carefully. You wrap it up, feeling pretty good about what you said, and that’s when it starts: the hole-poking, nit-picking, criticism.

The “yes, but’s”, the “have you thought of’s”, the “I’m just playing Devil’s advocate here”. And WHOOSH…there goes the wind right out of your sails. Almost before you stopped talking, you’re now defending yourself.

Imagine the same scenario, but this time when you wrap it up, your partner says something like this, with sincerity: “That’s pretty interesting. Are you open to hearing another perspective?”

Or “I see how you got there. Can I give you a few thoughts of my own?” Or “May I point out a couple of concerns I have with your idea?”

Instead of flattening you, this respectful way of disagreeing allows for an expansion of the conversation. You’re being asked to engage in a discussion, not being forced to defend yourself.

You then have the option to hear what your partner has to say, go point-counterpoint if you want to, and have a productive conversation about something important to you both.

Because you both were invited into the discussion, you both have a stake in it going well, which is so very different than either being barged in on or feeling attacked.

Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word


Why is it so hard to say we’re sorry?

And why is it so hard to accept someone’s apology?

It seems the more important someone is to us, the harder it can be to give or receive a heartfelt, sincere apology. When the stakes are higher, we often freeze up, and that’s a problem.

Because our romantic relationships are some of the most important ones in our lives, and because we’re flawed humans who will screw things up no matter how meaningful they are to us, being able to give and receive a genuine apology is crucial.

First, let’s look at how we receive and accept someone’s apology.

I think being able to graciously hear someone saying they’re sorry is a key to helping someone feel more comfortable saying it. Think about it…wouldn’t it be easier to admit responsibility for hurting or offending someone if you felt confident they wouldn’t punish or reject you?

 

Let’s assume the individual is sincerely sorry for whatever it is.

Start by thanking them for the apology. This lets them know it really was important to you, and their taking responsibility for it matters. Try not to say something like “don’t worry about it” or “it was nothing”, unless it really was.

After thanking them, give a brief explanation of why you were so hurt or upset. Brief. One or two sentences, max. And try to give it from the place of the hurt or offense, not from a place of anger or accusation, which will just cause them to become defensive and make them sorry they opened their mouth.

It looks something like this:

“Thanks for apologizing. It hurt my feelings when you forgot we had plans on Saturday, because I think if I was important to you, you would’ve remembered and been available. “

Or this:

“I appreciate you saying that. I was so offended when you made that comment about the project being no big deal, since I worked very hard on it and was pretty proud of how it turned out.”

Let’s examine the flip side now…how do you offer a heartfelt apology?

First, do some self-reflection and try to determine what your fault or responsibility actually was. Don’t exaggerate or minimize it, get real with yourself about exactly how you offended or hurt them.

Second, don’t apologize for something you don’t believe you did (or didn’t do). Stick to your reality. Doing otherwise will sound false and likely do more harm than good. It’s rarely a good idea to “buy the peace” with an insincere apology.

Third, use “I” language, not “You” language. Here are a couple of examples: “I’m so sorry I forgot about Saturday. You are important to me, and I wanted to spend time with you, but I didn’t put it on my calendar right away and it slipped my mind.

I need to be much better about organization, don’t I?” “You know, you’re right. I shouldn’t have been so flip about your project. It was a big deal to you, and it should’ve been a big deal to be because of that. I’m really sorry.”

 

What if I’m not sorry, but they’re offended?

We’ve all been there. Someone we care about is mega-upset with us, and we don’t think we did anything wrong, or at least not THAT wrong. Maybe we feel entitled to have acted the way we did.

Maybe we’re sure they had it coming. Maybe we think they’re the one at fault and we’re the victim. Whatever it is, we still want things to be better soon. We want to get back to a good place with the one we love, and we’re pretty sure it’s going to take an apology.

First, it’s a bad idea to apologize for things you didn’t do, or aren’t sorry for.

Apologies only count if they’re sincere. Second, try to find something in the interaction that you can own and say you’re sorry for. Maybe you believe every point you raised in the argument was valid and needed to be said, but you realize your delivery was harsh and combative.

There’s your apology. “Listen, the way I made my point was over the top. I was rougher than I needed to be. I still think my position makes sense, but I regret the way I handled it.” Maybe you feel you’re being mischaracterized, though the facts are accurate.

“You’re right, I did stay out later than I’d said, and I’m sorry. But, it’s not because I don’t care that you’re worried or that you need sleep, I was just having fun and lost track of time. It was careless, not deliberate.”

 

If you really can’t find a single thing to hang your hat on, ask.

Get curious. Be genuinely interested in their perspective on something. Sometimes the problem isn’t what you did, it’s what they made of it, either because of your history together or their history before you.

In that case, you can try something like this, “Hey, I get it now. What I did reminded you of your dad, and brought up all those feelings. Now that I know that’s a soft spot, I’ll tread more lightly there. I’m really sorry that happened.”

What if you’re convinced the other person is at fault? That the whole thing is really on their shoulders, and you’re the victim, not the perpetrator or a collaborator? What then?

Simple. Don’t apologize. Every insincere “I’m sorry” does damage to your relationship in a different way than the offense(s). Instead, tell your partner, in language of pain not language of accusation or anger, what they did to offend or upset you.

Give them the benefit of the doubt about their intentions, and be open to accepting their apology when it comes. Look for ways to genuinely repair the rift, not to punish them or play the martyr.

Being able to ask for and accept an apology is as important a skill in a relationship as being able to deliver one.

5 Golden Rules for Long Distance Love

“How far do I have to go to get to you? Many the miles, but send me the miles and I’ll be happy to follow you, love.” ~Sara Bareilles

Long distance relationships can be so challenging at times, and might seem nearly impossible right now. COVID-19 is playing havoc with all our lives, in big and small ways. Couples separated by distance are both uniquely prepared for and challenged by the social distance, stay-at-home orders and reliance on technology to stay connected.

One thing so many LDRs rely on is the knowledge that they’ll be together again, and often the plans for when that’ll happen. Right now, all plans are out the window. People in LDRs are more like military on deployment than ever before. Their future time together is in something else’s hands, and it’s changing almost daily.

 

Creativity is so important right now

Managing to stay connected to each other from afar means being flexible, being innovative, and calibrating expectations. I think many of us have seen the story of the man in NYC who sent a drone with his number to a girl he saw on the roof of another building.

They had a dinner date, him on his roof, her on hers. They also had another date, with him in a rolling plastic bubble. If you haven’t seen it, you should! That’s some innovative thinking there! Now, I’m not suggesting you have to go to that extreme.

Here’s your chance to send love letters, yes, by snail mail. Don’t we all just love going to the mailbox and finding something other than junk and bills?

Something handwritten, maybe with quirky drawings or a favorite picture, means something totally different than a text or email. Spritz your favorite cologne on the page, and now your love has another way to connect to you, since smell is such a powerful sense. A handwritten love letter takes time, effort and energy that really says, “I’m glad you’re mine.”

 

Video happy hours and dinner dates are also great ideas!

I know a couple who both ordered one of those meal-prep kits, then video cooked and ate together. I know another couple who watches their favorite TV show together, and there are services that help you sync your videos perfectly.

I’ve suggested couples ask each other an unusual question or two, each time they talk, to get past the “how was your day?” conversation. There are lots of resources available online, just Google “questions for couples”. It’s guaranteed you’ll learn new things about each other, and yourselves!

With distance, misunderstandings and conflict are inevitable.

How you handle them is what matters most. I don’t have many absolute rules for the couples I see, but there are a handful that I think make all the difference in how constructive or destructive conflict is:

 

Julie’s Golden Rules for Conflict, Near or Far:

1. No fighting by text or email.

I feel so strongly about this one, I’ve had some stubborn couples sign contracts about it. It’s a bad idea, and if it turns out well in the end, that’s a fluke.

Technology has done lots of great things for us, but the ability to handle conflicts with words on a screen instead of words spoken to each other is not one of them.

It might seem to be less risky, like maybe you can be more rational and less emotional in text, but that’s usually the problem.

Tone and intention get misread and misinterpreted, things get written that you’d never say, and it’s harder to forgive and forget a snarky comment that you can keep re-reading. Just don’t do it! If it looks like a conversation’s going south, take a time-out until you can actually talk about it.

2. No difficult conversations when there’s alcohol involved.

This one can be hard, since often it’s when one or both people have had a couple of drinks that the issues come out. Drinking amplifies things: fun becomes more fun, flirting becomes flirtier, irritations become grating, frustration becomes anger.

For the sake of your relationship, push pause on any potentially hard talk involving alcohol. You’ll thank me in the morning, I guarantee it.

3. No hard talks after 9 pm.

This one might have you scratching your head, but follow me here. How often have you had an important and hard conversation that didn’t take at least half an hour, often much longer? And how hard have you found it to wind down from one, even if it went well in the end?

The adrenaline’s still pumping for awhile after, and that’s if it goes well. If it doesn’t, it can take a long time to get to a state of calm. Put these things together with fatigue from a full day of work and family life, and the hours our bodies naturally start to power down for sleep, and it’s a recipe for unproductive talks at best, chaotic messes at worst.

I realize this rule might be tough to keep to if you have children, so use your best judgment, but try to do all the hard stuff before 9 pm if you can.

4. You can be angry, but you can’t be mean.

Anger can be a really useful emotion. It’s a clear sign that something’s wrong and needs to change. No meaningful social change ever occurred without anger. It can be constructive and motivating, when channeled properly.

So, it’s OK to be angry…but it’s not OK to be mean. What’s the difference, you may ask? Anger says, “You left me waiting, not calling when you said you would! That was rude!” Meanness says, “You’re unreliable and inconsiderate!”

Anger says, “I don’t like your bitchy tone!” Meanness says, “You’re such a bitch!” Anger points out behavior and draws a line, meanness calls names and assassinates character. Take care which one you use with people you care about.

5. Apologize first.

Let’s say you both decide to adhere to the first four rules. You both agree to only address conflict by voice, sober, not late at night, and without name-calling or character assassinations. This last rule should be the one you need least, then, because you’ve probably minimized the things either one of you need to apologize for.

But let’s say things don’t go well. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Now, think about this a sec. If you BOTH agree to apologize first…see where I’m going here? You show up after a fight with your hat in your hands and your partner meets you there, also ready to make up. Win/win! And it goes without saying that apologies are best delivered voice-to-voice if not face-to-face.

If you’re far from the one you love, give some of these ideas a try and see what happens. I’d love to hear from you, what worked and what didn’t, and any creative ideas you came up with!

Why Shared Values are Essential to Successful Relationships


What’s Your Value Proposition?

We’ve all heard the idea that it’s a good thing when couples share life goals, hobbies, interests, etc. And it is, for sure. But by far the most important, and one that’s often overlooked, is the sharing of values, and the way they’re prioritized.

For our purposes, we’ll define ‘values’ as the things that really matter to us in life; the core principles we base our goals and choices on. Some commonly-held values are faith, family, honesty, duty/responsibility, and fairness. All values can encompass an almost limitless set of goals and means of expression, but they’re not goals in and of themselves.

If Financial Security is the value,

here are some of the ways it can be expressed: frugality, high income work, saving and investing, living below means, delaying vacations, getting a second or third job, not borrowing money, borrowing money to advance a business, not using credit cards, using credit cards to earn points toward purchases…

If a couple shares the value of financial security then, it’s important for them to also understand and share the same definition of that, and agree on how they’re going to work toward it. Someone opposed to debt in any situation might have a very hard time understanding the benefit of a business loan.

Someone focused on generating income might not understand how their partner would rather live with less than work more to get more. The one who comes home with purchases saying, “I saved so much money,” sometimes lives with the one who thinks, “You can’t save money if you’re spending it.”

If Family is a value,

it’s good to know what that means to each of you. Does it mean never missing a birthday, holiday, or Sunday dinner, no matter what else is going on? Does it mean having children together? Does valuing family mean that you help your siblings out of financial jams, or teach them to help themselves out of those jams?

Do you show the importance of family by taking aging parents into your home, or helping them find a place they’ll be both happy and cared for? Do you kill yourselves getting to all the houses at the holidays, or do you have everyone over to yours?

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
― Roy Disney

If only that were always true! For your relationship to be its healthiest, it’s pretty important for you both to understand what your individual and shared values are, where you prioritize them, and what exactly that means. SO, let’s take family and financial security as an example.

Let’s say your partner has a sibling who’s getting married in Punta Cana, and they want them to be in the wedding. They’re thrilled! It’s their sib’s wedding! Let’s also say that you and your partner have different ideas about spending vs saving when it comes to big expenditures.

When they add up all the costs, it’s looking pretty pricey: wedding attire, flights, hotel rooms, vacation time from work, spending money, dog/house/kid sitters, wedding gift. When you raise this concern, their response is, “But it’s family! Family first! We both agree on how important family is to us.” Values in conflict can lead to couples in conflict. How you navigate that says a lot about the health of your relationship and of each of you as individuals.

There’s no one hard and fast rule for how to negotiate these kinds of values conflicts, but some solid suggestions are:

  • Focus on really hearing each other’s perspectives; not just what you each want, but why. Take time to drill down into the reasons, meaning, and impact behind each position.
  • See if there are alternative ways to get a good result. In the example above, is there a way to be a part of the wedding celebrations without traveling? Maybe throwing a party closer to home? Or maybe only one goes to the wedding, or both go for a shorter time.
  • Maybe take turns “getting your way”. One person’s value takes precedence now, another’s get the lead spot the next time.
  • Be sure you’re being respectful of what matters to each other, even if one of you doesn’t get all that you want. Try to find smaller wins along the way, rather than making it a zero-sum game. Give what you can to get what you want, so both feel good about what happened.

Ultimately, how you negotiate your decision is much more important than what the decision is. Respectful, non-violent communication is a key ingredient of any successful relationship, and especially so when it comes to the values we hold most dear.

Love in the Time of Coronavirus • 9 Ways to Navigate Your Relationship

Flattening the curve.
Social distancing.
Self-quarantine.
Dine-in options closed.
Stores closing.
Working from home.
Travel plans canceled.

These terms are in the news, in our ears, and in our lives for the foreseeable future. That means more time with our partners, minus distractions. No bars for happy hours. No concerts, ballgames, festivals. No dining out. What are we going to do?

Here are some of my favorite ways to manage, while strengthening your relationship now. Find the ones that work for you, and send me your own ideas…we can never have too much creative thinking!

 

1. Create Separate Spaces.

If you live together, and you haven’t done this already, create separate spaces for each of you, where you can go without explanation or hurt feelings. Lots of togetherness can be stressful, and having some space to call your own can make all the difference.

If your partner needs to step into that space, allow for that.

The healthiest relationships are an ever-changing balance of distance and closeness, and when one or both of those are outside of our control, it can create a lot of stress. Find your own space and go there whenever you need a break from each other.

 

2. Learn something new together.

So many places have their online classes discounted or even free, now’s a great time to branch out into something you’ve been wanting to try: cooking, gardening, ballroom dancing, home renovation projects…the list is endless and the options are limitless.

Trying something neither of you knows how to do starts you off with a level playing field, and since each of you are likely to grasp different aspects better, allows each to be the teacher of the other. You’ll likely see sides of your partner you’d forgotten, or didn’t know were there.

 

3. Learn something new about each other.

More than 20 years ago, a study was published by psychologist Arthur Aron and others, indicating that by answering 36 specific questions, in order, two strangers could experience intimacy in an accelerated way. People have since used the questions to improve intimacy in their own relationships, no matter how long-standing.

Books have been written, and card decks created, all with the idea that asking and answering questions together will strengthen and enhance an ongoing relationship. In my practice, I often give an exercise like this as homework for my clients. Here are some of my favorite resources: 36 Questions to Fall (or Stay) in Love, Table Topics for Couples, 100 Date Night Questions.

 

4. Do something for someone else, together.

There are always opportunities to help out, whether it’s shopping and errands for a quarantined neighbor, yard work for a family with small children, making a big batch of soup for friends…being of service to others reminds us that we’re all part of a community. That realization helps to banish loneliness, isolation, and disconnection…all very real dangers in our current situation. So, take a step outside yourselves.

 

5. Get out!

Really, get outside. Walk, run, bike, garden, hike in the woods, visit a park. The health benefits of nature cannot be overstressed. You’ll never regret time spent in fresh air!

 

6. Take some time every day to have a check-in.

Get real about how you’re feeling, and look for the good along with the difficult. Talk to each other about what’s going on with you, and suspend judgment about how you “should” be feeling, thinking or acting. This is uncharted territory for us all, so the old rules and roles may not apply.

 

7. Tackle your to-do list.

Put on your favorite playlist, or let Spotify or Pandora create one for you, and jam through your projects. Purge closets, clear out the basement, wash windows inside and out…and afterwards, treat yourselves to carry out and cocktails. Make it fun and productive!

 

8. Try not to get stuck in old feedback loops.

Couples often get locked into unhealthy patterns. The more you do X the more they do Y, and the more they do Y the more you do X. It’s increasingly likely to be a problem the more uninterrupted time you spend together, and those patterns can create havoc in a relationship.

The good news is, you can change it all by yourself.

Think of it like playing tennis. If your partner serves to you, and you usually return to their right side, try returning the ball to their left next time. So, if your partner shuts down when stressed, and you usually poke and prod to get them to open up, try overtly giving them space instead.

You could say something like, “Listen, it’s pretty clear you need to be alone with your thoughts right now. I get it. I’ll be just down the hall if you want to talk, and know that I love you.” Or, if it seems like they’re trying to provoke an argument, rather than engaging, you can simply say “I love you too much to argue with you” and move on.

 

9. Remember, this pandemic is temporary.

Long-term, perhaps, but temporary. None of the experts is saying it’ll last forever, and while nobody knows exactly what our world will look like when it ends, we have a lot of say about what our relationships will be. Invest now, while the payday can be huge!

How to Have a Sexy Leap Year


I have a guy. Greg. Greg’s my social media/website/online presence guru. I give him ideas of what I want to write about and he offers commentary and guidance.

Sometimes, he gives me ideas, which I wholeheartedly embrace … mostly. Of late, he’s told me to “write more about sex” and “write something for leap year.” And, here we are.

 

Lets
Embrace
Abundant
Pleasure

 

 

When, where, why, and how did pleasure get such a bad rap?

Can we please, PLEASE stop that nonsense?! Physical pleasure is one of the main reasons we’re here on this planet. Sexual pleasure is, in fact, the entire reason we’re here on this planet. Without male orgasm, there’s no ejaculation, no sperm/egg meet-cute, no morning sickness (well, we could all do without that), and no cuddly baby to love. And the female orgasm…dear lord, if we could harness that power!

So, how do we get to a place in ourselves where we run full-tilt toward what feels good? Not just allowing, but expecting, chasing, and cultivating sexual pleasure? When can the words “better than sex” just go away, because we’ve come to realize that nothing is better than sex? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a chocolate-cake-loving girl, but if it’s better than sex? I’m thinking I need to up my game in the bedroom.

 

Make Leap Year Your Year

Leap Year has historically been a time when it was OK for women to take the lead in romantic relationships. Think Sadie Hawkins dances. Think women proposing to men. Think a movie starring Amy Adams.

Maybe this Leap Year, we can flip the script a bit, and encourage us all to jump into a better relationship with our own pleasure.

Emily Nagoski wrote what was, for me, a world-altering book, entitled Come As You Are. In it, she writes about how we all have a dual-control system governing our sexuality, much like the gas and brake pedals in a car.

Each of us has our own unique set of things that push our sexual gas pedal

We each have our own triggers for our sexual brakes and gas, and she writes that a big key to finding and embracing sexual pleasure is knowing what turns your on’s on and your off’s off. What are your individual, unique brakes and gas?

Maybe a messy kitchen sticks in your head, and you can’t stop thinking about the crud on the counters. Maybe the idea of the children needing you and you being unavailable keeps you on high alert, and unable to drop into your body.

You have to find what gets your motor purring.

Taking care of the things that get in the way of melting into pleasure is smart, but it’s not enough. Sometimes that means spending some time with your own body, learning just how it operates. Nagoski’s book offers lots of good ideas, as does the revolutionary website OMGYes.com. You should really check out this site.

Sometimes, that means spending some time with your partner, learning what makes you both breathe a little harder. There’s a saying in the therapy-world, “You can’t take someone somewhere you’ve never been,” and it is so applicable to sex!

How can you tell your partner what turns you on if you don’t know yourself?

How can someone who is NOT you, know you? Exploration, openness to new experiences, willingness to take risks…if those aren’t qualities to embrace in LEAP year, I don’t know what are!

Put Yourself in Your Partner’s Shoes


What’s it like to be on the receiving end of me?

A friend asked me that question years ago, after it was a small group discussion series at her church. It took her aback when they were studying it, and it had the same effect on me when she asked me. What is it like to be on the receiving end of me?

In her church group, they did an anonymous survey wherein people wrote comments about the other members, based on how they experienced them, positively and negatively. My friend learned she’s perceived as ‘rigid’, ‘kind’, ‘generous’, ’moody’, and ‘judgmental’…none of which she’d argue with in theory, but some were nonetheless hard to hear.

 

Put yourself in your partner's shoes - relationship counseling in cincinnati, oh

Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see what you’re like from that vantage point. It can be eye-opening and a catalyst for important change.

 

In a relationship, you can’t get anonymous feedback on your partner’s experience of you … nor can you give it.

And we often don’t think too much about how we’re perceived, because it’s easier and more natural to think about what our intentions are, or what our behavior looks like from our own vantage point, not from our SO’s. But it can be so valuable to take some time to try to see ourselves through their eyes.

Does our talking over them feel like excitement and eagerness to engage, or interrupting? If we usually defer to their wishes, does that make us seem flexible and easy to please, or put the unwelcome burden of decision-making squarely on them? Does our take-charge approach to making plans help them feel cared-for or bossed around?

What can you learn about yourself by asking these kinds of questions?

What an insightful window into your own strengths and blind spots! And how scary could that be?! I’ve thought about some ways to approach it myself, and talked with clients about it over the years, and I’ve come up with a few questions you might consider starting with.

First, I suggest explaining why you’re asking, and feel free to use this post as your catalyst. (After all, that’s why I wrote it 😉). Then, move onto one or more of these, stressing that you’re really interested in honest responses, so that you can get a better view of yourself as a partner.

 

What 6 words would you use to describe me?

Can you give me 3 positive and three negative words?

 

Can you give me an example of some of these?

For instance, my friend was seen as rigid. The examples she got about that were, to her, just doing things ‘the right way’, or upholding standards, so it was eye-opening for her to learn others saw it differently. Examples help put things in context.

 

In our relationship, how big a deal are my more difficult qualities?

From my own life, I can tell you that my impatience has been a pretty big problem for a couple of people in my life, and a non-issue for others. Understanding the relative significance of things can help you know what to focus on modifying in order to make things even better between you.

My friends who dislike my impatience get a lot more grace from me about how quickly they respond to texts, for example. It takes work on my part not to ping them again, but in the end, my discomfort in waiting a bit longer pays off in other ways.

At its heart, the purpose of this is two-fold.

First, self-awareness is almost never a bad thing, and accurate self-awareness is even better. Knowing how others perceive you can let you know how to be in a relationship, not just what to do. How we show up matters, our intention matters, and how others perceive us matters. It’s less about changing ourselves to suit others and more about being aware and mindful of how we come across. That alone can improve any relationship.